There is a small spider living in the upper corner of my shower, farthest from the spout. I’m of the variety that knows the unending depths of evil spawned from these horrible creatures. So, the answer was simple. She must die.
However, on this particular Sunday, I was tired and late, so I decided Shelob and I would have to do mortal battle another day. But, I was still left with the need to shower. At some point I would need to close my eyes and turn my back on the most vile, loathsome devil in the animal kingdom - a feat akin to the legendary heroes of old. If you want to compare me to Hercules, I won’t fight you on the matter, but courage was key, not strength.
And so it came to it: I placed my trust in the bristled crawlers of a demon whose very existence is contingent upon ensnaring unsuspecting fools in a LITERAL WEB OF DEATH.
As I turned to lather and to die, I was sure she smiled all the colors of the seven circles of hell. It was the longest, darkest 7 seconds of my life, as I violently washed my face, praying she make it quick. Finishing my torrential dance with the devil, I opened my eyes and whipped back to see my enemy, unmoved, aloof even.
Surely she had laid eggs under my skin, using my body as a breeding ground for an unstoppable army of black-eyes monsters, but…it seemed unlikely. So, here we were, face to horrible face, left with an unspoken bond.
"I left your, pale, defenseless, naked body alone," she said with her eyes, "so, let us strike a deal, cowardly human. Keep your gargantuan, freak hands to yourself, and I won’t kill you in your sleep."
There are no fair trades in arachnid culture, so naturally, I agreed.
Since then, I have showered everyday for the past few weeks, unaffected by her gaze, and almost comforted by her presence. There’s a warmth in the consistency of knowing she’ll be there, and I like to believe we’ve come to an understanding, the two of us. We could both kill each other, and perhaps we should, but for once our two peoples have laid down our arms to coexist in peace…or at least Cold War.
This is the (mostly)true story of Shelob, the spider who still lives in my shower.
A post for a petition about (something probably) with 110,000+ shares to “sign a petition” - a petition which has approximately 70,000 signatures. Math hilarious.
Nashville is my very favorite place I’ve been. Also, I can’t speak on behalf of any colleges, because I believe the higher American education system to be nothing more than an exercise of manipulative theft in the most openly deviant way with no regard for…well, you get the idea. :)
Still, Nashville really is the best. The food, the people, the creativity, the weather, the food(but seriously, the food) - it’s a magical place. You don’t realize that places like this exist until you GO and experience them yourself, which is the main thing here: go and experience, whatever that means.