I Am Automaton (script)

[ Watch video first http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ2gP6qbeE4 ]

Not long ago, I went through a long period of crippling anxiety and depression, which would eventually lead to a stint of extreme agoraphobia. I’ve been seeing a lot of joking and poking fun at depression, even comparing it to “sadness” in levels of severity. I made this video as an example of what depression actually feels like. I tried to think of a good way to describe my emotional state from back then, and the only thing I kept coming up with was the word “automaton.”

Definition of automaton:

A moving mechanical device made in imitation of a human being.

A machine that performs a function according to a predetermined set of coded instructions.

I remember the terrifying realization of my own mortality and my sudden need to repress any sense of emotion. I was mortified of death, yet I was pining for my own inevitable end - the only release from my personal prison. I simply continued on, because that’s all I knew how to do. I was an automaton. I could only imitate reality - act according to my set of human instructions.

I want to make something very clear: Depression isn’t sadness. More than anything else, it’s a lack of something - a constant lack. I wanted to feel nothing but misery. I only felt comfortable and only pursued and dwelled on things that would keep me in that state of misery. I grew accustomed to it and even longed for it. It lasted for years and destroyed relationships and tore apart any potential I had at growth.

Most importantly of all though, is the fact that I have recently overcome this depression, and my anxiety is now at a minimum. I have learned to control my thoughts and discipline my character, which has significantly changed how I act and react. I have moved across the country to pursue my dream of film - a feat I believed to be truly impossible for me. For those of you struggling with depression, I know, truly, your pain and how great it is. I pray and wish only for your success in fighting this wretched battle. May you find peace in your difficulty, knowing hope, which you may have thrown aside, isn’t an impossibility.

Here is the video script in full for anyone who wishes to examine it:

       I am heavy and passionless. Inside me you will find only cords and cogs and coils and cluttered contraptions. They turn and they function and they move according to the unimaginative design of a clumsy tinker. You will not find the rhythmic cadence of life, pounding against this metal frame. Nor would you find me wrapped in skin, knowing all texture with intimacy - glass, cotton, water, cold, hot, the subtle stealth of goose bumps from an unintended brush of skin. I do not know these. I am without capacity. I am singular in purpose, to function, to move, to fight ardently and endlessly with the master of moments. He holds the brittle hourglass, and with it, would have me end. There are none who move me, and I cannot be changed. My gear is unfixable, irreparable, able only to be dismantled. Tasteless and without texture, any sustenance is naught but modus operandi, made only to continue the drone of architectural existence. The systematic nature of my blueprinted fate is a reminder of the inevitability of my obedience, the futility of effort paraded as achievement. I question each step with profound restraint, but am unable to stop. Levers and cranks are turning, ever pulling toward the dark. Surrounded and drowned with life, I am in the totality of solitude. There are none who share my affliction of unavoidable continuance. I know not family nor friend nor colleague nor acquaintance. I have but one sensation, one elusive reminder of my own nature - a subtle remnant of regret. I AM, once and for always, moving in and of my own, neither to muster compassion nor love, nor wane preservation of self for any apparent altruism.

I am Automaton.

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  4. cityofbookslulu reblogged this from jakesidwell and added:
    This is just….wow. Perfect.
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  11. elrohira reblogged this from jakesidwell and added:
    This is so incredible. It perfectly describes how it feels, sometimes, to be depressed beyond anyone’s comfort. I’ve...
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    [ Watch video first http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ2gP6qbeE4 ] I am heavy and passionless. Inside me you will find...
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